This last few months have been hard for me.
A path I thought was set, successfully giving back feelings that had been missing from my life for over 25 years, suddenly snatched. I was running a shop, repairs-alterations- vintage and pre loved haberdashery-craft workshops. But now I’m not. The self esteem, confidence and a hope for the future that had been rebuilt was now smashed like broken china on a stone floor. The loss is painful. My journey through life was now, once more, without a map, signposts or even an horizon.
I feel plunged back to this time 18 months ago. Overwhelmed by the responsibilities of a family and lack of job or money. Confused by the emotions of the struggle to provide a roof over our heads, food in our bellies and clothes on our backs. I am not money driven, I have never been obsessed with the acquisition of stuff. So this need in me is difficult to come to terms with.
When the family are off out of the house, things are different. None of it matters I get on with it, coping with admirable resilience. creatively providing all my needs with what is available. So why, when they all come home do I crumble?
I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking….
Thinking at what I want, what I miss, what I liked about the last year, what worked. Not for the family but for me……. That’s different!… used to the every one else 1st behavior of the past.
A chance facebook comment on a post I made yesterday has sparked a light bulb! For the 1st time since a catastrophic 4 months in 1986 I have found a goal. And where, in the time between then and now, I don’t care about the can not’s, or even if it’s possible, where previously I did. Because that one comment, from someone I call friend, is focusing new dreams, not the ones I clung to.
The funniest thing is the only stumbling block I see is……..
LACK OF MONEY
But even that isn’t bothering me. The last year has taught me what I need money for and what I can get from free-cycling, and the generosity of people.
Dragging my home, kicking and screaming into something I am comfortable with is part of my transformation. The fears I once had, the outcomes I played out in my head are not so terrible. They are now outcomes I can live with, however terrible they could be.
So I give a great big hug of gratitude to ‘my friend’ and you know who you are.